Foster Carers Real Life Stories

Ian and Trudy -

"Something we will always do"

Ian and Trudy who live in Peterlee have been fostering for over 8 years. They have two children of their own. Initially it was Trudy who got them into fostering, while Ian was more reluctant. Now Ian has given up his job to foster full-time and says it’s the best thing he’s ever done.

He said: " Trudy knew about fostering because her sister has been doing it for years. She thought it was something we should try, but I was more doubtful. Like most people I didn’t know a lot about fostering, but once we once we started the training I got more and more interested. For me it’s been a complete change of career and I get much more out of fostering than I ever did out of my original job. We foster teenagers, and help them to independence. Every child is different but in one way or another they’ve all had difficult childhoods. They’re a bit uncomfortable at first, they don’t tend to think much of themselves. It’s good to see them change and become more confident and happy. I think some people are daunted by the thought of sharing their house with a stranger, but it doesn’t work like that. After a while they’re not strangers – they are part of the family. We’re very happy with the way it works, every placement has been well planned. We deal with two people, the child’s social worker and our own fostering officer and we get on well with both of them. We’ve never had anything that we couldn’t get some back up on within a reasonable time. I think it’s something we’ll always do, even when our own children have grown up."

Ian said he would encourage anyone to find out more about fostering: " People tend to have the wrong impression about fostering, so I would tell anyone to go and find out what it’s really about."

Lorna and Arnie -

"Its a way of life"
Lorna and Arnie, of Heighington, near Aycliffe, have fostered over 70 children. Their own two children are now grown up but were teenagers when the couple first decided to try fostering back in 1986. Lorna explains " We didn’t have any friends who fostered but we read about it in a newspaper and thought it was something we could do. We felt we had the capacity to give other children a stable, loving environment. We discussed it with the children and they were fantastic. Even now my daughter takes a great interest and has a lot of time for the children. t’s now a way of life, we can’t imagine not doing it! We take children from babies up to 16 years old. The fostering we do is called ‘task-centred’, that is we work with the children on a specific difficulty they might have, then when they are ready they move on to a longer-term placement."

Lorna feels that your own age is no barrier to becoming a foster carer. She said " Your age will not preclude you from fostering, we’re in our sixties. Arnie is more hands on with the children than he was with his own 30 years ago! He is discovering qualities about himself that he didn’t know he had. He only started changing nappies about a year ago, something he would not have dreamt of doing with our own children. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t do it - it was realizing that he could do it. "

Gill –

"The rewards are fantastic"
Gill who lives in Lanchester is a single carer and has been fostering teenagers for nearly 16 years. She says she would encourage anyone thinking of fostering to try it, whether they are in a couple or living on their own. She said " I was a single carer from the day I applied, and I’ve never had a problem. It’s like anything in life, you don’t know until you try. When I first started fostering I didn’t intend to do it for a long time, but it’s addictive!""Everyone seems to want cute little children with no problems, but these teenagers come with huge problems and I think that was why I was drawn to them. Very few have any self-esteem and they’ve usually come from broken families. It’s a difficult age, on the one hand they are getting told to grow up, on the other they are told they are just kids. I hoped I could make a difference, give them somewhere safe and secure, build them up and give them some self esteem so they are ready to move into the adult world."

Gill says " that even though the teenagers seem tough, she knows they are very vulnerable. They all give that bravado image but there is always a softer side, and if you can tap into that, I think that’s the most important thing, that’s the real person. They build up these walls around them and try to be angry so people back off from them, but underneath they are terrified. It’s about building up their self-esteem and making them feel more positive about themselves. When you read their background information and see some of the troubles they have got into, and you can actually see that it’s not happening anymore, it’s quite a buzz. These kids can be very withdrawn and angry at the world so when you can see they have settled into your care, that’s quite an achievement. You’ve got to like children obviously, but you’ve also got to be prepared to treat them with respect. They are individuals, and they have a lot to offer, you’re just trying to get that last little bit to blossom, trying to break the mould a little bit. These children need a home environment, and if you’ve got that to give, the rewards are fantastic."

Madge –

" Emergency, general and teenage"
Madge who is 56 and lives in Aycliffe near Durham, has been taking emergency fostering placements for more than 18 years. We asked her to describe the work and why she enjoys doing it.

"My house has always been full of kids and as my own children grew up, I thought I should try fostering. Looking after children on an emergency placement is different from full-time fostering. You haven’t got the attachment or the commitment to a length of time, but it’s just nice to make someone feel wanted even if it’s just for one night. At the moment I take teenage girls, but I used to do young ones. In fact I’ve gone right through the age groups, babies, toddlers, children and teenagers. As an Emergency Carer the Duty social workers can ring me anytime after 5.30pm or during the weekend. Sometimes it can be in the middle of the night. They tell me a bit about the child’s background and a little about the problem. It could be anything from family problems, absconding, physical, sexual or emotional abuse. They interview the child and then ring me back and give me an approximate time of arrival. When the child arrives I make sure the kettle’s on. Sometimes they haven’t eaten so I make them a sandwich. Sometimes they need a shower if they’ve been walking the streets, but if it’s late the main thing is to make them feel welcome and then get them off to bed. I always keep a spare dressing gown, pyjamas and toothbrush. The little ones can be very distressed, having been taken away from their own family and not knowing what’s happening. Teenagers can also be stressed, they often think it’s all their fault and feel terribly guilty. Mostly it’s just a matter of reassuring them and making them feel welcome. I can usually judge on first appearances the best way to be with them. Even the older ones can be very frightened. After all I’m a complete stranger to them, they don’t know what I’m like and I don’t know what they’re like. If it’s late it’s usually a case of something to eat then straight to bed. If it’s earlier in the evening I usually sit and talk with them. I try to have a laugh with the teenagers. I don’t ask them about what’s happened or talk about it unless they want to. I usually talk to them about Coronation Street or Eastenders, or ask them if they have a boyfriend, things like that. If you have other children in the house it helps to break the ice. The next morning I usually get them up about 8 o’clock for some breakfast. The Duty Team rings and tells me who is coming to collect the child, and at what time, but they always get picked up before 10.00am. If I need to go out earlier for any reason, then they will always accommodate me."

Why do I do it? "Well, I’ve always loved being with children. Yes, you have some stressful moments but you have a lot of rewards. It’s very rewarding to get the children back with their parents and see them move on from the problem they had when they came to me. I’ve bumped into many of the children in the town with their parents and they always say “Hiya”. We’ve had some off moments when things don’t go quite the way you’d hoped, then all of a sudden something clicks and it just works. With emergency placements you get a sense of total satisfaction having helped a child. They might start off nervous and frightened, but the next morning they say “Thanks for having me, Madge” and that’s a nice feeling. I would definitely encourage anyone to think about doing it. You don’t need qualifications and letters after your name, you just need to have a bit of common sense and to be caring. And a sense of humour always comes in handy."

Jane –

" I wouldn’t want to do anything else"
Jane lives in Peterlee has been fostering for 13 years. Jenny says she had always been interested in working with children, so fostering seemed an ideal choice.
And her family were firmly behind her. Jane explained: “My children were 12 and 14 at the time we started fostering and they were very supportive. Obviously they’ve got on better with some children than others, which is only to be expected, but on the whole they have really enjoyed it. In fact my son is a now a Social Worker.”

Jane has fostered many children over the years, often taking groups of brothers and sisters. She says her aim is to provide some of the stability that may have been lacking in their lives. " Hopefully I am providing a stable, secure home for them so they can realise there are set boundaries and routines and they know exactly what to expect. A lot of the children have had very disruptive lives previously and I hope to give them a secure base to go from, whether it is to go back to their own families or to go onto another caring family."

Jane also fosters Amy, a little girl with learning and physical disabilities, on a permanent basis. Jane said: "Amy was 10 months old when she came and she’s totally part of the family. Like most of the children, Amy still has contact with her birth family and Jane says that this is something that foster carers have to be aware of. “You have to be very open-minded and always realise these are the children’s natural parents and there’s often quite a strong bond between them. It’s an important part of the process to support the children to see the parents whenever they can."

She loves being a foster carer and wouldn’t want to do anything else. She said: " I absolutely love it and get a massive amount from it, there’s a lot of satisfaction when you see children flourish. Most of the children I work with are moving onto adoptive families and that’s really rewarding. As a foster carer I think you have got to be secure in yourself and what you can provide for a child. You’ve got to be patient and have a good sense of humour, and be open-minded about the difficulties that families have, you mustn’t be judgemental. I think that if you enjoy the company of children and you feel that you could provide a home for a child or children, then definitely explore fostering. The important thing to emphasise is that there isn’t any pressure when you ring up, the social workers are very approachable, they will just have a general chat with you and explain about the children who need care."

Jane added: "It might be something that you will always regret if you don’t pick up the phone and ask!"